Comments on this poem?

Selfish Suicide


By: Valeria





Choking diesel exhaust,


Look up to the gray smoke sky.


Nothing.





Drip, drop,


The clouds can%26#039;t hold their sickening soak.


Can%26#039;t hold.





Raining damn hard;


Let the drops of acid pour down your white stained shirt,


Let it burn through the thin cotton,


Of moth eaten cloth.





To your pale dying flesh-


It seeps through your pores,


Numb to all problems,


No consequence.





All that is human is alive,


Yet the animals, yet the trees,


Have succumbed to the acid rain.





Taste the death liquid,


Our gift to mother nature-


Reciprocated.


Taste the bland sadness,


Of our dying earth-





Left alone,


Left to rot-


With nothing but ourselves.


Such selfish suicide.

Comments on this poem?
Valeria,


You are keenly aware of the environmental risks we face. I applaud your awareness of the issue.


From a poetic standpoint, you could paint a picture with your words rather than describe what is happening like a reporter.


EX


All that is human is alive


Yet the animals, yet the trees,


Have succumbed to the acid rain


EX of change


The man and woman cling to life


While the frog lies sterile in a puddle


And the maples molt their mottled leaves.





One is not better than the other, but one is a commentary and one is a picture. Pictures and poetry go hand in hand.


Keep writing


Freesongs
Reply:First of all pick a better pen name. Moths eat wool, not cotton. Your poem is too predictable. It%26#039;s like a geometric painting, too precise and too prescribed. Too many angles that are alike. It doesn%26#039;t seem natural. It%26#039;s a good start. Keep going with it.



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